Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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