Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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