I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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