Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
