omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
