I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
