Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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