my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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