Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
