If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
