I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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