When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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