I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Watching her eat just hurts me
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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