God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
