my phone needs a breathalizer
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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