she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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