I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
