can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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