The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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