theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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