Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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