You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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