god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
