Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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