your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
