i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
