Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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