I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
