I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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