I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
