I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
