Banned from zoo.
Again?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize