Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
