I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
