I cannot find my penis.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
