It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
