My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
bring money and cleavage
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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