He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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