Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
