This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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