Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
