I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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