Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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