The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
