we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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