"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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