I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
