So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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