I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
