if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
