Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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