I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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