You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
