recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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