if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
